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1.11.10
twenty-third bottle of soju.
don't mistake the title, me isn't drunk. i'm drinking waterchestnut water. and there is school tomorrow and i can't sleep, and i don't wanna go. yes, i have a screwed up personality.
my whole school is screwed. i mean yeah. shouldn't have said " oh i wanna come here " like wtf, i just got too high for my psle. should've gotten lower, get into RV or somethin. and its nearer, so just... fuck. my. life. as if it ain't fucked up enough.
okay soo. yeahh. D:
i have nothing to say, and i'm tired. i went on a stalking spree just now, to tell people that i have changed my blog url and i randomly realised that oh whathefreak people don't even link me. so much for my sorry existence. wallowing in self-pity. again.
i think i'm having insomia. like wtf is it? is it like the kind of "once you can't sleep" then "oh you'll die" kinda disease? or is it just a "oh when you're stressed you'll get it" kinda disorder? i think it's the former. i hope.
sometimes i really wonder how some people actually manage to enjoy school so much. i know it's with all the optimistic thinking and outgoing personalities, but i think that's not the case. i think it's the choice.
people tell me that once you choose something, there's no turning back. i never really thought much about it at all, and now as i think about it, i realise how true it actually is. now i dread my life every single day, be it in school or at home. i should just camp in the woods or something, maybe i'll feel more satisfied living my life as a hungry tarzan instead of spending my life away emo-ing. maybe i should just let a lion eat me, i would be free of worries.
everytime i go to school, i look forward, i really do. but there are just some teenie little things that make me dread every part of it. contradictory i now, but once i've chosen this path, there's no turning back, and i don't think i'll be able to bring myself to face the truth but.
seriously. i hate my life.
and, people ask me why i'm so fucked up and emo. number one, i'm not emo. number two, i'm not fucked up, i'm just pissed, and that makes me a bitch that's all. i told you, when i do my thing, you do yours, and both sides are equal. but noooo, someone decided to question me bout my misfortune, and there you go, crying your teeny weeny eyes out to your sorry parents. i mean there isn't anyone, but, i think it's bound to happen soon.
if my parents actually find out about this blog. well, they'll think that i have severe psychological problems and wa laa. out of the house i go, to repent and think about my mistakes. what is there to think about huh? there is nothing, cos even if i think, something bad's bound to happen sometime soon and my ass will be on the dusty floor outside the house, while crocodile tears slide down my face. and i'll be back in again, getting "counselled" and "consoled".
some people are really stupid, as in like. for example, when someone is like crying, who the hell would go and counsel them huh? i mean not my parents, but some people are like that! i mean the person is already feeling very bad, and yet you say other things to make the person even more affected, and wallow in self pity more, and the person cries even more. and after that, the wound will be harder to heal.
when a person dies, do you know which part of the body decays first?
the wounds.
and i'm very sure, that once i die, maggots would attack my heart first, and it would be gone in a blink of an eye.
once i update, i would always be in a good mood, but somehow, all the things in my heart just pour out.
actually i really want to have a nice nice and happy happy blog post, but it's really hard, cos i really can't force anything happy outta me when i'm really sad and all that.
when i'm tired i come here to update,
when i'm sad i come here to update too,
when i'm pissed, mad, everything, i just come here, and i rant.
actually i think that all my blog posts are just repititions of my rants, and soon i'll have nothing to talk about and my blog will be dead.
hah, now i know why people get depressions, and i think... sooner or later... i will be one of them.
i think that yesterday's post was quite happy, and i'm proud of it.
i really really love blogger, they allow you to actually express your feelings without any word limit, and i'm happy for that, blogger, i really appreciate you for this wonderful triat, i hope it doesn't go away, not anytime soon.
sometimes i really wonder if the words i use in my blog can be made into a song, as a base for "emo songs to make you cry". i think it's not possible huh. fancy thinking my words can make people cry.
i could just make a wish right now, and i don't want to go tomorrow. i want to be sick, sick and not go to school. even though it's after the exams now, but you know, there are other things as well.
i should be responsible for the things that i say, cos i know that, somehow or another, everything would just be spilled out to the people who i hate and despise.
alot of people say that their first impressions of me is someone who is: smart, nice, cheerful, honest. but as the days go by, everything just disappears, and become worse. just say that there are many disappointed souls out there, and i'm one of them.
i'm really starting to just treat myself as an object, not a person, not a soul, and maybe, not even a speck of dust. i don't see myself as the kimberly i see when i was young anymore. whenever i look at myself in the mirror, i label myself as : the person who walked the wrong path, fought the wrong fight, ate the wrong food. just say that i hate and pity myself, and i can do nothing about it, cos even i am not willing to help myself, so why bother?
i think this is my longest blog post in the centuries, and i think it will remain this way. i hope.
02:54
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TagtagLuvs?
Fellow suckerzzz;
Heh, currently under construction dear. (:
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KIMBERLYWEEREI.